Hello Everyone!
This morning, I was having a nice cappuccino at the bar when looking to my right side to discover the beautiful view of the sea, instead only to find a pair of dark eyes staring at me intently. How many of you have encountered this sernerio? I have lived in Italy for 5 years and I still can't get past the stares. Good Lord, there is nothing in this world that I can't stand worse than stares because I feel like I'm naked in public. Maybe in the south it is more common to stare at people. I'm not talking about an occasional glance, but a full stare down from head to toe. The men with that glare can make you feel as if you are wearing the most provocative piece of clothing even when dressed in full winter gear. I thought at first it was because I was foreign and a new resident to the area, and five years later I still get stares and unwanted comments. I'm a jeans and long skirt type gal who is very conservative. However, I get the daily lusty glares with unwanted comments that make me more than a little nervous. My husband has bought me some beautiful two piece swimsuits, but I'm terrified of wearing them because of some men who are a little too friendly. I have even found women staring at me intently as well, but who knows for what reasons. Yet, the male stare is much more aggressive. Men who are driving by in the car, glace over to stare at me, and then they'll turn their cars around to get a second glance. I at first thought I was being paranoid about the stares until one day my husband got into an argument with two men who basically stared at me for long periods of time while we were having dinner at a restaurant. Has anyone been stared at to the point of feeling really uncomfortable or a little frightened?

Have been stared several times. Stare right back, look them directly in the eye. Or look them up one side and down the other, with a look of like "what a piece of #$@#", then look them dead in the eye. Act cocky, like you're better then them, works for me, have had less people staring or trying to check me out so to speak.
Hope it works!
Ann
My Life in Italy

I get stared at all the time, although more from women than men (I'm no great looker). It is usually the up and down, then up and down again for good measure type of stare. I suppose I don't look particularly Italian, as I'm quite tall and am a bit of a sloppy dresser. I think it's just part of the culture - people like to check each other out. When I first moved here it used to really tick me off, but now I barely notice it. Sometimes I stare back, but this doesn't always work, e.g. the drive-by stare.

That they do, liking to check everyone else out, even to be kind of nosy. Like this morning, was at the grocery store, an older couple ahead of me, the wife was checking me and the guy behind me, and what we were buying. Whatever trips your trigger and floats your boat.
Ann
My Life in Italy

quote:

I suppose I don't look particularly Italian, as I'm quite tall and am a bit of a sloppy dresser.

Kerry, that's me to a T! It's not too bad here in Val d'Aosta, but maybe if I were a bit younger...

One of the major things I noticed when I came here as a tourist was the staring. But it wasn't just the male variety. It was EVERYONE staring at EVERYONE ELSE. Old ladies staring at young girls, kids staring at guys, of course guys staring at everyone. And girl on girl is, of course, huge. Once in Rome we were stopped at a red light behind a motorcycle where a girl was sitting behind her boyfriend. Another girl was crossing the street in front of them and the girl on the moto stared at her as she crossed, even craning her neck and switching to the other side of her boyfriend as the girl got closer to the other side of the street. No trying to conceal it, just blatant full-on staring. It's a lot better the farther north you go, and even here in L'Aquila it's nothing compared to what goes on in Rome and below.

What gets me is that they stare and watch you coming at them on the sidewalk, and no one gives way. That has really been driving me crazy lately. I'm supposed to get off the sidewalk and walk in the street. It just doesn't seem to occur to them that they should step back as they see someone approach. Maybe it's just another one of those no-sense-of-personal-space things that comes about from cramped quarters?

Have had that happen also. Was downtown Busto Arsizio (nw of Milan by about 20 milesish), literally ran into a guy, who would not give way.

Have also seen a young gal, mid twenties, VERY short skirt, stiletto heels, revealing shirt, walks past an older couple in their late 60's. The man makes it very obvious that he was checking the young lady out.

Ann
My Life in Italy

quote:

What gets me is that they stare and watch you coming at them on the sidewalk, and no one gives way. That has really been driving me crazy lately. I'm supposed to get off the sidewalk and walk in the street. It just doesn't seem to occur to them that they should step back as they see someone approach. Maybe it's just another one of those no-sense-of-personal-space things that comes about from cramped quarters?

A swift elbow to the ribs followed by a stomp on the toes will cure this. Once word gets out, people wil be crossing the street to avoid you.

Oh I don't mind the stares at all, I actually kind of like it - I get stares from both men and women when I'm in Italy (and France) and I love it because I like to stare as well (I'm just a curious observer and can't help it)- so I don't feel so bad becuase I know I've been caught staring myself. I figure it's just my "staring karma" biting me in the behind. LOL!

I think people-watching is probably such a normal thing there that it's to be expected.

In Florence a few weeks ago I spent 5 minutes exchanging stares with a beautiful woman - the energy between us was kind of like "hmmm, she's wearing this with that.... her hair is like that, I wonder what product she uses... oh - gotta remember the shoes, those are cool. Hmmmm I wonder what kind of lipstick that is..."

When MEN stare at me, it really depends. If I don't feel quite good about it, I just pretend I don't know they're looking at me and that usually does the trick. I've never had to tell anyone to go away or anything.

But most of the time I enjoy the looks I get. I'm a big flirt so if I consider the guy worthy, I stare right back, smile and get my ego-fix and it's never harmed me.

I was thinking to write some suggestion such as "tell 'em "problemi?!" in an aggressive way when I realized that I do stare.
I do stare at women, girls, men, boys. I try not to get caught, but who knows? Latin people give a lot of importance to the exterior appearence. If someone stares at you doesn't necessairily means that has a sexual desire after you (that's is 90% of the times with Italian men, though). Other women may look at you because you are beautiful, or they are just envious, or you are dressed in a freaky way, have a crazy hairdo, have a particoularly bad/nice nose, a cool bag...I do look at people even for they partner, tryin' to guess how they can stay with such a nice/ugly man/woman.
That's really mean for who is not used to. The best therapy is:
1) avoid to wear like if we were in an Islamic country. This would caught the attention as much as a mini-skirt.
2) do not apply make or comb you hair like if you were Dolly Parton
3) Try to wear as other people living around you do. If you have foreign tracts or accents you can do nothing about that but accept it.
4) Since you can't stop other from staring at you, try to see a nice side of the thing. You may feel in pain because you feel judged, but perhaps they are thinking something positive about you. [there's nothing positive in having a man staring at you as he is going to rape you, in this case you should do something]
5) Being aggressive could be dangerous on the long period, especially if you live in a small town where everybody will talk at your back. You will be easily marked as "strange and aggressive animal". Yes, everybody will avoid you but this will be not good when you'll have to buy something in a store or get help from others.

Oh Tina, I'm with you 100%!

I also have to agree with Pola. Sure acting aggressive might stop the staring, but instead people will refer to you as somebody aggressive and nasty. If that's what you are, then fine, but I for one don't want people to think that about me.

Look back, be curious, smile and walk on with your head held high. Take it as a compliment and not as a harassment (sp?). Be proud. It's your choice.

If that doesn't cut it for you... well, mani gave you some advice on what to do with your elbows, right?

Darn, I wish someone would stare at me. Oh, to be thirty years younger. . .

Hi everybody.
I was only reading until now but this thing of the stares interests me so I thought I'd intervene.
I think you should take the stares as a compliment, or anyway as a sign of curiosity. I personally feel that I loose my anonimity when somebody looks at me. I feel that I am no longer part of the crowd, of the wall, of the mass. I don't feel aggression, only curiosity. I quite enjoy it, whether from a man or a woman.

I would only complain if people no longer took notice of me. I kind of secretely enjoy when younger women still take a second glance and smile when passing. I am after all an old man, who used to look reasonably good in my prime, so I was told many times over in those days. Also, I do not feel offended when older ladies give me a smile as well. When somebody stares at you, they must think you are really special; why else would they waste their precious time with you, when so many others could be looked at instead?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: FrancisM,

quote:

Originally posted by FrancisM:
I would only complain if people no longer took notice of me. I kind of secretely enjoy when younger women still take a scond glance and smile when passing. I am after all an old man, who used to look reasonably good in my prime, so I was told many times over in those days. Also, I do not feel offended when older ladies give me a smile as well. When somebody stares at you, they must think you are really special; why else would they waste their precious time with you, when so many others could be looked at instead?

That's cool if you're hard of hearing or listening to your Walkman. Helps you maintain your illusion when you can't hear them muttering, "My god look at the wrinkles on that old geezer!"

christi-

quote:

It was EVERYONE staring at EVERYONE ELSE.

i need to say "non fissare" to my boyfriend MAYBE 20 times a day. he doesn't realize how AWKWARD and really unacceptable it is here. i hate it too.... i always feel self-conscience when people stare and EVERYONE stares in italy... especially in trento when you speak english... i'm like a walking eye magnet.

quote:

What gets me is that they stare and watch you coming at them on the sidewalk, and no one gives way.

i HAAAAAATE that. you have pinpointed my two biggest pet peeves of italians. it's like, "move over!!!" even if they did a little shoulder rotation action. that would be fine. but they really just don't give to passers by.

Yeah the stares. And then in the summer (or some reason this seems to occur in warm weather only) the comments and the boob/bum grabs! Woo hoo - really looking forward to that part of the year.

I think being stared at and sexually harassed (ok i realize that they are not the same but often go hand in hand) are just something you have to get used to if you're a foreign woman here (especially if you don't look Italian like me). I'm used to it now and only get upset when it's really extreme but it's definitely not fun.

Hey I like flirting too - but this is generally, in my opinion, aggressive not flirtatious.

I'm with Alice; wind up and give them a good smack in the head with you groceries. Nothing says negative reinforcement like a high speed can of bortolli striking your cheek bone.

this seems to occur in warm weather only) the comments and the boob/bum grabs!

Wow! Do you get sexually harrassed often? I went to Rome twice for a couple of weeks and never got harassed...maybe because it was September? Anyway, I was wearing shorts. You must be hot!!

I think being stared at and sexually harassed (ok i realize that they are not the same but often go hand in hand)

If really being stared at and sexually harrassed go hand in hand go hand in hand then Italy should be full of rapists!!!! (judging from the news it does not seem so).
I agree sometimes in the south the stares can be annoying, especially when they are persistent, but I guess local girls are well used to them. When I was down south with a friend in her beach side towan, I remember going for an ice cream and a couple of guys (who obviously did not have anything better to do but hanging around lazily) staring at us. She giggled and said "Che cazzo are they looking at?". She was just used to it, you see.
I think if you have to live there the best thing you can do is just ignore those idiots. Unless, of course they really harrass you (like on a bus, for example). In that case, you should look at them angrily and say out loud "Che SCHIFO!!!" (It'll make them feel ashamed).
Again, I've never ever been grabbed or anything like that (maybe because I lived in the north).

Another thing: if you become too self-conscious and are always paying attention to other people to see if they stare at you, it might well call attention. And it is bad for your liver!!!! Just be absorbed in your thoughts as you would otherwise be in NY (I guess), you won't notice the stares and end up more relaxed!!!

RTPM, how long have you been in Rome?

I get stared at a lot too, when I am alone and with my husband. I think it's because I am Asian, a foreigner and people are curious about me. When I first moved to Torino, people used to stare at me all the time, then they started to ask me where I was from and where I lived and what brought me to Torino. The usual guess was the Olympics.

Some of the time I walk behind my husband if the sidewalk is too narrow, when I do this people give me a stare like I am his maid or something, I just giggle. There aren't many interacial couples in Torino and I also think this interests them. All in all I think I've gotten used to it and basically do not notice it anymore.

The stares and comments happen a lot to me too, but I just ignore it. Almost every day I get some sort of comment while I'm walking, but I just keep walking and dont bother even looking at them. In my opinion if you react you are just encouraging them to do it more.

The only time I give a reaction is if they actually touch me -
-guys on crowded buses/metro: If I feel a guy pressed up behind me, first I move away, as honestly when it's crowded, it may just be a mistake. However, if it persists they get a quick elbow in the gut and that usually stops them. The one time that didnt stop them, i asked a college guy standing next to me to trade places as i had a pervert behind me. The guy quickly obliged, and the pervert got dirty looks from everyone around who had heard me. To me that is a better solution to take the high road, than simply cussing the guy out.

-walking home from the store with bags in both hands a group of guys passed me and the last one in the group thought it'd be okay to grab my boob on the way. In this case I did resort to cussing him out, as I didnt want to drop my bags. It's actually a good thing I had the bags, cause if not I probably would have hit the guy, which would have just made a bad situation worse.

Lori

I always notice people, especially other women, staring at my feet. I'm already wearing my Chaco's with toenails painted blood red while everyone around me still thinks it's winter. Of course, I dress strangely as well. For example, I walk to the gym actually dressed in my gym clothes! Yes, you heard right! And home again in the same sweaty clothes with sweat-soaked hair to boot! OMG!!! tee hee hee

To be fair, I'm a compulsive starer but endeavor not to get caught out at it. It's human nature, really, isn't it? A curiosity about other people. Give me a tall drink at an outdoor cafe on a sunny day anytime. Free people watching is waaaaay better value than a movie.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: alisonk,

This topic is two of my biggest pet peeves but I see them fading away. One because I starting to stare more myself. In my case I'm trying determine if I know the person. I have to say "ciao". You HAVE to greet EVERYONE you know. The other is not yielding an inch of space on the sidewalk. I've found that when I walk much slower this is not a problem. The problem with us foreigners is we walk too fast for an Italian to stare at you then get out of the way. Slow down and stare some yourself. I'm lucky because I'm from Italian descent so once I started dressing "right" I fit in.
Wow but I didn't know guys here could be that bold. My sister's coming over in June and if a strange Italian guy lays a hand on her he's in trouble. There's staring and there's action.

I think some of the women who get lusty stares from men is a result of the culture. Just think about this: On Italian TV, what role do women play? They play mainly a faint secondary role wearing skimpy clothing if not topless (think Colpo Grosso). Game shows have women dancers who don't add any value to the show besides to get more guys to watch. It doesn't matter if they're starting their career as letterine or seasoned hostesses like Simona V. -- they all wear revealing clothing. What does that mean? Women are just to be stared at and lusted over. Boys grow up seeing this and thinking like this and that's what you get on the streets.

I think other women stare at other women for another reason... If you're not a foreigner, it's just to see what they're wearing or not wearing, what kind of purse you're carrying, jewelry, heels, furs, etc. If you're a foreigner, maybe they look at your face, body, and then all of the above mentioned stuff. :-)