ok.... so, boyfriend & I broke up a couple of weeks ago - which means I'll be entering into my new Italian life as a single woman (I leave in 83 days oh my gosh!!).

And I'm curious... sure I've had a few short, fun romances with Italians here and there... but something just dawned on me - now that I'm actually going be living there (I'm actually going to be living there!), I'm realizing that I have no idea what the normal dating culture is like in Italy... is it different than in the US? How is a relationship established? Do they do the whole "1st date, 2nd date, dinner/movie" thing or what. What's a general timeline for establishing something?

And what about (s - e - x)? How is that viewed among my peers in Italy? Is it something a person has to wait an eternity for or is it pretty liberally viewed in this day and age?

I'm just curious because I know myself well and I'm pretty sure that I will be interested in dating once I get there.

I wanted a general idea so I don't get myself some new stalkers while I'm just having fun, or on the flipside waste my time if I want something real.

For some reason I'm too embarrassed to ask my cousins or Italian friends.

Thanks!

Can't give you any advice on the dating situation--I'm much too old and can't remember that far back. I'm guessing things may have changed a bit too .

But I did want to wish you much much happiness on your new adventure, which, BTW, will probably be a lot more fun w/o the old boyfriend. Enjoy!

Uhm I don't think there are rules... it depends on who you are dating and what's the relationship you have with him (friends, just met, etc).
Some people like romance, others like to laugh and spend a funny evening, and others prefer to talk. No rules! Just have fun!

When I was about 16-17 (then I met my man and I don't date others ) I usually started with a dinner (you can understand a lot of things from that) and later... if he had not any program (but usually he had), I liked to go somewhere: to a pub, to the seaside etc. No cinema for me, not during a date.

About sex... well again it depends on your age. If you are over 25-30 then it's the most obiouvs conclusion of a date. If you are younger, the boy will respect you if you don't want to do it, but only a few boys can stand to wait too long!

Where are you going to stay?

The answer to the sex question is, yes, please. As in, it will never be turned down, ha.

I think you have to be careful because unfortunately American women (& British, too) have a reputation that they are "easy," especially those that come here on vacation. Mainly because we are a lot more friendly and open to talking to strangers and Italian women are not. Many guys may not wait to see if you're on vacation or not, they'll just hear the magic words and press on.

This of course can be avoided by more carefully selecting where you hang out and with whom...you'll have to sift through the guys who are just attracted to that - I guess it's just like home, only that our nationality is an additional "attraction" to some people.

I say, have fun and do whatever you want! But, if you meet a guy you could really like, then take it slower and see if he sticks around. (If that makes sense) Make him work hard at it - from what I've seen, when a guy likes you (in any country, but particularly here) he will pursue you, be available when you call, and make plans to be with you. Every other situation is a sign they aren't serious about it.

Off the soapbox.

I think it's like anywhere - a matter of your boundaries, comfort level, horniness, religious views etc.

That said - as an Australian who has lived and dated in both the US and Italy - I have found Italian dating culture a lot more like Australia and less like the US. I foudn the US a very weird place dating-wise with all these "rules" and "dates" and stuff like "the man must always pay for the first date" and "the talk" (whatever that is!). Here in Italy it seems to be more "normal" to me ie more like my native Australia. Either party can ask the other on a "date" - there is no real structure in place re when certain things are appropriate. Either party can pay or take turns paying etc.

Have fun!

PS- it's true that a certain kind of Italian guy thinks foreign women are "loose". But you just need to avoid the sleazy ones and you'll be fine.

That's interesting rptm. I'm from the Uk and have never lived in Australia or the US but have visited the latter. My impression has always been that there does seem to be a level of formality about the whole process in the US. We don't even use the term dating much in the UK; more 'seeing' someone or 'going out' with someone. And as for rules about who pays, that strikes me as a bit absurd. As for "the talk" - I haven't even an inkling what your talking about - so any enlightenment welcome.:-)

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Originally posted by suefischio:
As for "the talk" - I haven't even an inkling what your talking about - so any enlightenment welcome.:-)

They really should hand out flyers on the US "DAting Rules" to all single foreigners as they arrive at US airports. This is something I could never get used to. Basically there are all these unwritten "dating" rules in the US which you are just expected to somehow know. For example, on your first "date" the man is meant to pay. I always insisted on going half and half and the men would always be really really genuinely offended. It took me a long time to figure this out. In Australia it would be really weird if a man paid for your dinner especially if you did not know him very well. Also "dating" is a formal thing with a "first date" "second date" etc. in the US. There are unwritten rules like "if you sleep with a guy on the first date you are not serious about him" etc etc.

It was explained to me (and this may be a regional US thing - Im not sure) that before you have "the talk" with a guy you are "dating" you andhe are allowed to "date" other people and it's all considered OK. You can even sleep with more than one person at the same time until you have "the talk" in which you decide to make it "exclusive". This tripped me up the first time because I assumed that (as in Australia) when you sleep with someone, unless you make it clear that you are not serious (or the guy is a jerk), the relationship is automatically "exclusive" and you are a couple (and can refer to the guy as "my boyfriend" introduce him to your friends, invite him to weddings etc). My girlfriends were all horrified that I slept with this guy before having "the talk" (I also had no idea what they were talking about at that stage") and were surprised that I was so angry at the guy for seeing another woman while he was seeing me!!!

Thanks. I guessed it must be something important. Not into men meself, although I can flirt, but people watching is always fun!

You knew too narrow a group of people, IMO. There are many inexperienced girls who follow some stupid book called "The Rules," but the rules are laughed at more often than read.
OTH, assuming exclusivity if you've slept with someone sounds a bit innocent. Don't they have slimeballs who willingly have sex with anyone who will in Australia? I figured it must be universal since there's a fair amount of single pregnancy throughout the world.
From what I remember, there was a strong recommendation to get tested and to agree to be exclusive for safety's sake. But that was in case one wanted to rely on the pill.
I also think you will find about 50% of US women want to pay their way on a first date so no one owes anything to anyone. Most women I know ask men out too.
Women of my generation accepted paid-for dates, but then arranged and paid for other dates so that things were more equal. I found only really old fashioned men objected, but then they rarely were into me, anyway.

Yeah Judith I may have been meeting the wrong kind of people in the US. I was living in NY and dealing with corporate types. Very glad my current guy is sooo not that type.

I was told this stuff (man must pay for first date etc) by so many different people in NY that it really did seem like a "rule".

And of course there are slimbag men everywhere but I was met with genuine surprise by my girlfriends too when I was extremely angry and dumped the guy when I found out that he was seeing someone else at the same time as me. They all said "but you haven't had the talk yet...so what's the big deal?"

In Australia you dont really date. You just hang out with someone (usually with friends in tow) and then eventually you get drunk and snog. Once you snog (ie kiss) you're a couple. No one pays for anyone else's meal unless they want to, you can have your friends along too and it just kind of happens more organically. From my Italian friends I get the impression that this is how it works here too in general (although actually my Italian guy asked me out on a proper date! )

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In Australia you dont really date. You just hang out with someone (usually with friends in tow) and then eventually you get drunk and snog. Once you snog (ie kiss) you're a couple. No one pays for anyone else's meal unless they want to, you can have your friends along too and it just kind of happens more organically.

Sounds familiar, that's how it works here too.

Good grief! If I had be a couple with every guy I "snogged" I would now have to be 267 years old. How long to you have to be coupled before you can split and snog someone else? Will a few hours do?
It all seems limiting. What if you hate his snogging? What if he slacks off in technique after the first few times? I am shuddering here.

New word to add to my English vocabulary: snog

Well if things don't work out you break up. Simple as that.

Alternative solution: Hide and ignore until he gives up on you. If needed, try someone else's snogging in front of snogger number 1. That usually does the trick.

Uhm a question: what's "the talk"?!

I have to say we don't have the conceipt of "dating" here in Italy, like you say it's in the UK and Australia. Probably it's more common among older people.

Ember:

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It was explained to me (and this may be a regional US thing - Im not sure) that before you have "the talk" with a guy you are "dating" you andhe are allowed to "date" other people and it's all considered OK. You can even sleep with more than one person at the same time until you have "the talk" in which you decide to make it "exclusive".

I came all the way to Italy to trip over the word "snog"? Cripes. Next thing it'll be "pash".

Thanks Annika, I read it but I still can't exactly understand what's the meaning of the expression "the talk"... I feel stupid now

From what I understand (read: What I've learned from countless hours of watching American TV shows ) "the talk" is when the dating couple talk with each other and mutually decide to actually be a monogamous couple and not date other people anymore.

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You can even sleep with more than one person at the same time until you have "the talk"

Kinky!

rules, doesn't every culture have their codes of conduct? any new culture has new codes of culture to learn.

Know your self, take risks, follow your heart, maintain your personal integrity, ask your love interest what things mean to him/her, screw the cultural precidents, if two communicate, and you don't do or say something to get something from another, we call that honesty, respect and developing intimacy. Isn't that the whole deal?

I have read nearly every book on relationships. I have my favorites, and respect the differences between men and women. If you really want to learn the language of male-female, develop a healthy respect for oxytocin bonding,and go from there.

I broke rules when I met my fiance. I did it with awareness and overcoming certain hormonal responses was tough, but I knew that getting intimate before enough time to mutually bond would come with a price. (women bond via sex,men do not-- they bond other ways that usually require more time)

I am happy with my love story, but I was not a kid and had been through a lot, so I kept my eyes open. Luckily for us it has worked out beautifully so far.

People without personal boundaries who follow "rules" don't necessarily make good deeply felt appropriate choices and decisions for themselves with the books. But they do sometimes have a roadmap that gives them a way to at least travel with a bit of security,so when they get the lay of the land, it's less perilous.

my two cents.

enjoy life, enjoy love, isn't this why we come to Italy?

I think most towns here have a group of 'conquistadors' or as we have here 'the positano playboys' whose er, job(!) is to suss out the new foreign girls and see what they are up for. It is best to steer clear of these types unless you just want a bit of fun. If you like I could ask our Positano Playboy Master what the rules are!

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If you like I could ask our Positano Playboy Master what the rules are!

You know, that would actually be an interesting read!