Hello all,

I am making the big move from Texas to Italy in only 5 weeks. Recently my excitement has been replaced with nervousness and fear. I am really starting to freak out. I have done well preparing for the move but I was wondering how others dealt with the anxiety premove. I hate it, I just want to be excited and I feel like I can't tell anyone how scared I am getting. Any advise? Thank you so much!
Whitney

What specifically do you think about when you become anxious?

Howdy and welcome to the board! I can't speak for anyone else but myself and my experiences, but here goes.

When I first moved to Italy, I was ecstatic and only had positive feelings about it. Looking back now, 5 years later, I wish I would have been more afraid. I think fear is good for us at times. I certainly learned that from my experience living in Italy. I was looking at my adventure to Italy too much through rose-colored glasses, shall we say. And I became very disapointed and depressed while I was in Italy because It was not at all what I had been expecting.

Now that we have decided to move back to Italy after two years of trying it out in the States, I am not as apprehensive as I would have been if my husband would have tried to convince me to stay in Italy permanently. I can look back and see that Italy isn't a dreamland. In other words, I can look at it with more of a realistic and objective point of view. I am nervous about certain things, but I have been able to evaluate the pluses and minuses of living in Italy with my head on straight and without all of the emotion that goes with dreaming of Italy. I feel ever more prepared now because I am not expecting Italy to be a fulfillment of many hopes and desires. So, I think fear can be a very good thing and help you to really prepare yourself for anything that comes your way once you arrive.

That said, there are many on this board who may not have had such a negative experience and found that everything went just fine for them. I think it depends on the context in which you come to Italy as well. I came knowing only one person, having no job, no place to live and also being illegal for a long time. All of these factors surely effected my experience.

So, that said, don't be so afraid of being afraid. Fear isn't always a bad thing. It can help you in the end. I hope I helped somewhat!

Cassi

Hey Tex,

First of all I'm really jealous that you'll be in 5terre. It is beautiful there and I'll probably be moving near there once my boyfriend finishes school in TN.

I got really nervous the first time I moved to Italy for a year -- mostly about "fitting in" and making friends -- and in order to get over it, I kept myself informed on things going on in the city (like concerts, events, outings, etc.) as well as always hitting up the pop-culture and news web-sites. I was glued to the internet for weeks before I left, joining italian chat rooms so I could practice my italian and downloading italian music. As well as giving me an idea of what the culture was like, I got a lot more prepared (and excited) for my move as time went on.... i think if you look for all the positive aspects that living in Italy will bring (especially considering the beautiful place you will move to.... which town, exactly are you settling down in?) it may get you more excited-nervous instead of bad-nervous.

Catherine has it right, though. Italy is no dreamland all the time. It has its share of downsides (especially when you add the culture/language boundaries that being an expat brings). But the best thing to do is experience it for yourself and enjoy yourself as much as you can.

Hope this helps

Mani, I don't know about Tex, but I kept thinking, "Am I nuts? What am I doing?"
Moving to a foreign country isn't your everyday decision! You are married to an Italian, and therefore can come up with reasons. Some of us just did it. And it wasn't easy.

I'm always scared/worried before I do something. Better to be worried before hand then upset afterwards. Once something is done it's done with me. I try not to look back.

What to do? Over plan. Pull a Santa. Make a list and check it twice. Then check it again. Accept you'll forget something. Or that something will go wrong. Understand you'll manage with most of them. The things that would cause serious problems would also cause problems at home.

Let me put it this way. If you didn't move you'd still have things to worry about. Will the furnace break? Will the roof start leaking? It goes on. So worry about things now but don't let it stop you.

quote:

Originally posted by Judith in Umbria:
Mani, I don't know about Tex, but I kept thinking, "Am I nuts? What am I doing?"
Moving to a foreign country isn't your everyday decision! You are married to an Italian, and therefore can come up with reasons. Some of us just did it. And it wasn't easy.

No, my wife was an American citizen for the first 10 years we lived here. She just got her Italian citizenship last year.

I was simply asking TexgoinTusc to list some of the things she feared so we could respond. No harm intended Judith

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bill 2,

Hi TexgoinTusc...I don't know your situation, but my husband and I have agreed that if our move isn't REALLY right (for whatever reason) that we can make a different move/decision later. But, I do know that I couldn't live without having moved and tried it. I can imagine what I think it will be like, and feel like, but for me, I know that I can't possibly see into the future and know down the line what it will be like. That said, it would take some real unhappiness and a big change for either of us to come back, but, what is the line...never say never!!!

We are moving in 6 weeks..I'm nervous as well. I think as others have said...it is pretty normal...must be the 5-6 week itch!!

Moving to another country is a pretty big deal. Just look at the faces of your friends/acquaintances when you tell them. You can see them thinking about if they could do something like that, and usually what I see is a H--- NO! It is not easy...and...it is not for everyone. The easiest thing to do is...nothing! What all of the Expats on this list have done I find very difficult and VERY admirable. The results will be different for all of us, but having the guts to follow our dreams is the same!!

We should revisit this thread in several months and see how each other is doing. I certainly hope to hear that your move goes well....in buca al lupo!

Monica

I can't thank ya'll enough for the wonderful replies. Each and everyone helped me. It is SO good to know other people have felt this way (thank you Judith, I thought I was crazy too!) I think I have a grounded view (or so I hope) on what life in Italy might be like. I know it's not a dreamland (even though Monterosso might look like one.)And I agree, fear is good, it will keep me in reality check. It will be hard and there will be times when I want to give up, but in the end I think I will be a stronger, happier and better person for having the courage to do it. Same to everyone on this forum who made the move. Thank you again... I really needed that. This website is a Godsend!I will look back on this in 3, 6, 12 months to see the progress I've made and hopefully laugh at how nervous I was.

But remember that during those 3,6,12 months, when times begin to get desperate - and they will...and your courage begins to go - and it will... You just need to remember that so many others have done it, and despite the odds stacked against them have survived!

Add to that the fact that throughout this coming time, everyone will still be here offering that helping hand and all the moral support you might need......

Carole B.

Amen! Carole B.
The what am I doing, am I crazy, eventually turned into what have I done! But then it's too late and you soldier on and eventually figure out that the things you say might be true.
Like, it isn't better or worse, just different. That was dim politeness at first, but turns out to be true.
I was already in my 50s when I arrived, and it is different perhaps for younger people, but the experience has awakened me, no more sleepwalking through a day, nothing is ho-hum, and learning a new language they now tell me is one of the best exercises for the "mature" mind. I shall move on to another one if I ever start feeling like I have this one whipped.
I have a bilingual acquaintance with a home in Monterosso, so when Tex gets settled in I shall put him/her in touch with a very interesting fellow.

Oh yes, fear is a very powerful tool.

I truly believe there are three main aspects of fear.

And here is my personal beliefs and advice.

1
An inner voice, inner nudge, deep subconscious thought, whatever you want to call it, preparing you for a large undertaking. As other's advised, to get you to overcheck things. To prepare for upcoming challenges different than what you may be used to.
But the key to this is that during pre-event, you can only worry/prepare so much for things in which you don't know of in the future. I feel, after you've done your part in over-preparing mentally and physically, just let the rest of it go - in faith. There's really not much more you can do. The initial worry was good in preparing you - getting you sharp, but really excess worry doesn't do much more to change things, especially things that haven't occurred yet.

Reflect on all the things you've worried about in the past - and see how they mostly eventually turned out ok, or they simply have passed by now. Where worrying didn't do much at all to change anything.

I have a recent example. I had gathered a couple of final papers to have authorized. One was a photocopy with a photocopied signature. I started to worry with things like "what if they don't accept it?" "what do I do then?" etc., etc.

I had still obviously gathered the documents, the best I could - the worry played no role in that. I had also travelled into the office. Worry played no role in that either. In other words, adding worry didn't bring me to doing those things. They simply were part of doing. I get to the office and they said they wouldn't accept the document. Was there anything else that I could have done to prepare? Would worrying have has added anything in benefit? No. So what happened is that they simply advised me to go down the street to have it notarized then come back. I did that. Again, worry played no role. So all was well.
NOW, reflect back to pre-process where I was worrying about all the "what if's" of the uncertain future. Yes, it was a waste! You can't even say it helped prepared me, because it really didn't have anything to do with the actual process and it didn't change the events.

I love what Mark Twain once said (to paraphrase) "...I have had many unfortunate things happen to me in life, most of which never occurred." He was speaking of worry of course (a very close relative to fear). I believe there are only two true emotions in life. Love and fear and that they all have relatives.

Just be careful of the difference between a dose of a short, healthy, good level of worry and obsessive, unhealthy worry and fear.

And as other's have said, of course, don't ignore fear. Get in touch with it. It is indeed natural. If we didn't have fear, we wouldn't run when a large animal was chasing us out in nature. Or react when a person is breaking into our house. Etc. But as I stated in the paragraph above, it's about a proper dose. And in the right times. Also, most effective worry/fear is for now events and not so much for the uncertain future.

I say in closing to this first point, taste the fear/worry and then flip it around to the positive to sharpen up your mind and being into preparation for this venture. And then stop the flow.

Now,

2
The second aspect of fear/anxiety/worry, could be that same tool of inner voice (or whatever you want to refer to it as) possibly trying to tell you that this may not be right for you. (No I'm NOT saying this is your particular case - I'm just saying that this is one tool of fear/worry sometimes).
This is a very tricky and delicate area. Something may indeed be right for us, maybe even the exact correct path for us, but we still may experience worry/fear. The key in this is still really dig deep, be still, listen and know. See if you still have peace about doing this certain thing after you dig past all the superficial fear and worry. If so, go for it!
But if you are sick in the gut about the idea of doing whatever thing, I say, you really may need to dig a few more times and see if this is consistent. If so, I'd recommend obeying.

I have way too many examples of large undertakings that I have gone through. Most of which had an unhealthy dose of fear and worry beforehand. But for the ones that turned out just fine or even were a great blessing to me, I always knew I felt ok about doing the thing. I am VERY grateful that gee, I didn't go and listen to that fear to the point that it stopped me! I would have missed out on so many great experiences!
But of course, I've also had the same type of circumstances - tons of fear and worry beforehand BUT also, when digging deep, just felt so sick in the gut about doing such a thing - not even an ounce of peace deep down. Sure enough, the events turned out to be disasters.

So in closing to this point, it is a very delicate operation. It's not difficult once it's experienced and easily recognized. Some of the larger things in life can be tougher as the peace or sick-in-the-gut feeling deep down can be drowned out quite intensely by the noise of large amounts of fear and worry. In this case, it takes more digging and more of being still and eventually knowing.

3
So now, onto the third point.
The tool of the enemy.
Again, I have many many experiences where fear and worry came so close to holding me back from experiencing many great blessings in life. I am so convinced that in those cases, the fear and worry was a negative tool of the enemy to destroy a potential blessing of the future.
This point is clear. It speaks for itself.


In closing, my personal opinion of your situation (or most other's) really comes down to one of two courses. Either it's meant for you to proceed or it's not. If it is indeed meant for you I'm sure there are future blessings attached. Also another important point, the upcoming journey may not be destined to last, just a season, as it may only be a stepping stone to another level elsewhere.
In which case, I feel that if you are experiencing nagging unhealthy excessive worry and fear despite still feeling ok underneath about going - then it is the enemy trying to hold you back.
And the second scenario of course is that it may not be meant for you. In which case, the fear and worry is a tool from the other end of the spectrum being used in a positive manner to try to communicate this to you - ONLY if you don't feel real peace about proceeding deep down.
The whole thought of it all, deep down, would have to give you a sick-in-the-gut feeling.

So of course, I can only give my advise. And of course, it takes a lot of "soul searching" on your own part to really know.

To summarize in three words (if you are ok underneath with this journey) - simply do it afraid. Even all the smaller steps. Going to get the PdiS, residency and any of that sort of stuff. Just do it afraid. In all of these cases, don't let fear hold you back. Flip it. Turn it into positive, forward motion drive!

Always think of the external support you have with you even if you are physically alone doing these things. As just one easy to acknowledge example, the people here on this forum.


Well, I enjoyed writing this post as I am also heavy in all this basket of eggs as I leave in a few days.

I'm ok. What I wrote above, I've learned over the years and it helps me greatly.

I wish you all the best of course!

Yes, please do all keep us updated. We are looking forward to hearing (reading ).

Ciao!

Wow, well I ve done loads of things in my life which I ve been scared about or worried about but thats quite normal and healthy and it's called being alive, so nothing to worry about (on top of the worry you have already!)
Another thing, fear keeps us safe too, but not this kind which is probably a more 'worry' kind.
Something which might help though is something I do. For example having a baby is scary, I was very scared before but I made myself behave as if I wasnt afraid, and said to myself I can do it and somehow I got a 'fake' courage from myself which made myself feel better. I have used this technique with many things and it has been very reassuring so maybe it will work for you TexgoinTusc!

Again, thank everyone so much for your thoughts.
Trinacia, I must admit at first your post made me a bit nervous, as I will admit there have been two or three times when I got so nervous or scared that I did have that gut in the stomach fear. However, in comparison to how I feel about this move, the majority of the time, I would say 90% of the time I am spending these last days in Texas with a ridiculous smile on my face and a sense of wonderment at how I got so lucky. It's like a secret I can only share with myself. What a wonderful thing,to admire my own self. For so many things but especially for having the courage to do what I previously only dreamed of, for taking risks, for leaving everything that is safe and comfortable, for all of it. I remember backpacking last year and meeting random Americans that had relocated to Europe and thinking, "I would do anything to do that." But I somehow thought it not feesible. Only after being back home did I realize that if I really wanted it, I could do it, and part of me knew I had to do. I would never forgive myself for backing out based on fear or what other's in my life thought I should or shouldn't be doing, ( I just graduated college and while everyone is starting corporate careers and first morgages, here I am selling everything I own on E-bay and buying a one way ticket to Milan!)
I am lucky I have a support system there. My boyfriend is in Monterosso and counting the days till I join him. I also have friends I have met through past travels there.
I think overall, I will be just fine and when it's hard and I do need support, I am so lucky to be able to log on to my laptop and seek instant support from people who know exactly how I feel. I will keep all informed of how it goes. Thank you again for your support!

P.S. Judith,that would be great. The more friends I can make the better. What is his name? Perhaps my boyfriend knows him. He knows most everyone in a village that small.

I've been meaning for some time to write an article (for my own site/newsletter) about the sheer guts of people who actually make a decision to move to another country.

I've moved a lot in my life, but it's never been my decision. Early on, it was my father's decision (for career reasons). Then, when I married an Italian, it was a default decision - he never seriously considered living anywhere else. I knew this was the case, so I guess that on some subconscious level I decided, by marrying him, to make the move. But there was never a moment when I consciously decided: "I want to move to Italy." It was just another in a series of moves that I have had to cope with in my life.

Not that I'm complaining, nor is he - with all my experience in changing countries and cultures, I adjusted magnificently to this one - Italy's just another country, and in most ways a lot easier than other places I've lived.

But I do admire those for whom it was a conscious decision: hats off to y'all, you've got a kind of courage that I never had to have.

Texgointusc...I am right there with you!!! I live in Houston and am relocating to Florence in a couple weeks and times are getting very stressful for me and my wife...I am really getting scared about going over there by myself until she joins me. We have been preparing for me to leave for three months and it just seems like my company is dragging there feet with legal issues making these last couple weeks more and more stressful for us...if i could just get on a plane and deal with real problems when I get there instead of constantly worrying about potential problems I would be much better off...reading these posts (at least some of them) do make me feel better, but I have really anxious about the whole thing....

This would be a nice interview to read, too. It's with Frances Mayes who wrote "Under the Tuscan Sun" and a couple of other books on Italy.

http://www.randomhouse.com/features/mayes/interview.html

Frances Mayes, I've read a couple of her books, she always seems the wide eyed tourist, no matter how much time she spends in Italy. I don't really get her.

Ugh - can't stand Frances Mayes. Her books are Italy cliche after Italy cliche. Sounds like she never actually got to know any real Italians or held a job here. Maybe she got so rich from her books that she can just sit at home and admire the view.

Even this interview is a bunch of Italy cliches. People not working hard here? She should meet my Italian friends who work 2-3 jobs just to pay rent on half a shared room in Rome. She seems to think Italians are like overgrown children ("sense of play"?) with no responsibilities or stress.

The day started full of sunshine, breakfast was jam and German coffee which reminded us of our typical American coffees, deep and full of flavor, along with a full spread of, cheeses and ham, fresh bread followed by fruit though served in the mountains far from Spring seemed as if it had just been picked. Afterwards we went down to the lower floor of our B&B which was a mix of German and Italian design to find our boots warm and the skis waiting. Ten meters away the slopes were ready.

After a morning of skiing on snow which seemed as if God had covered the mountains with wipped cream, we arrived at one of those delightful refugios that seem to always be placed in the most picturesque spots one can imagine. Pranzo, lunch, was served by a tanned Italian waiter who seemed to have just stepped out of Esquire magazine. Fresh bread and a delicate pasta with an excellent German beer. One must always pass on the wine and drink beer when skiing. It just seems to satisfy that thrust which only an energetic morning of skiing can create. And we can not forget the sun, warm and clear, with a view of unbroken snow as far as the eye can see. One can only wonder why any Italian would ever want to leave this country of such unchallenged beauty.

What do you think, Frank Mayes, "Life and the Love of Nature in the Dolomites"?

Damn jhelm, you really checking out that waiter.

Was it not Jesus who said, "do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have its own worries".

quote:

Originally posted by mani doro:
Damn jhelm, you really checking out that waiter.

You know I thought about that later, I was writing to the fantasies of the women, all night I was thinking about the young girl who brought out the food and cleaned the tables - -she appeared as if in a dream with two steaming plates of pasta, but my eyes were pulled towards a low cut top not nearly enough to keep a young women warm except for the obvious heat which burned within her, and those breasts thrust nearly in my face as she bent over to surve our lunch reminded me of days spent beneath a golden Italian sun on the beaches of the Adriatic, while young women topless wearing just a hint of a bathing suit bottom frolicked in front me.

There,ha ha, feel better now --