Today a 94 year old delusional next-door neighbor died. I never really knew her but we share a communial courtyard and her daughter still lives in the house. I would like to know the correct thing to do, flowers etc. I live in Centro Storica Todi.

Thanks, Isabella

What would you do at home? This is not sarchastic, I am really asking.
Here you should just pay your respect to the dead.
If I were you I would just go there tell the daughter how sorry you are "CONDOGLIANZE" stay there for few minutes, probably in front of the open casket, then go back home. If you are not close to the family it can be it.
If you are close to the family you should also attend mass.


I had few neighbour dead in the past few years, and not being close to any of them, this is waht I did.
Ciao

Isabella:

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of one of your neighors! The "right" thing to do from my own upbringing Italian would be to send Chrysanthemums if you are going to send flowers and definitely attend either the wake (veglia) or the funerale and offer your condolianze to the family.

I guess it comes to how comfortable you feel at a wake compared to being at a full length funeral mass? However, expressions for the passing of a loved one are always appreciated. (I know this from experience)

Catholic churches in the U.S. sell "mass" cards, and these are often much appreciated by Catholic families in lieu of flowers. (They state that a mass will be said on behalf of the deceased.)

Much also dipends on the habits of the area and the family. For instance, here in Milano I would just express my "condoglianze" to the family either meeting them casually in the courtyard or visiting them for just a few minutes. Having a mass said is also popular for relatives or close friends, as long as they are catholics, but, Emily, let's not forget that only some Italians are cathlics: about 90% of the Italians are registered catholics, but only maybe about half of them are effectively catholics; the others, while having been baptized, are not. When my grandfather died a few months back, we would have been offended if anyone had paid for a mass for him, because he was an atheist, despite being registered as a catholic since having been baptized and never coming around or feeling the need to request for cancellation from the lists.

That's true, Alice. That's why I specified Catholic families. If a funeral mass is planned, that is a good indication that the family is at least nominally Catholic and cares enough about Catholic traditions and beliefs to appreciate the gesture of a mass. I do find that many "lapsed" Catholics, at least here in the States, become considerably less "lapsed" as they age.

I'm reminded of something my grandfather said when he was asked if he believed in God. "Of course," he replied; and then as an aside "and you're all my witnesses. If there really is a God, he'll never be able to say I denied his existence."

Usually in Italy a funeral with mass is done because of trdaition and appearence even by those who are barely baptzed, which are about 50% of the registerd cathlics. In other words, 50% of the registered catholics only ever pray (or at least go to church) for baptisms, confirmations, marriages and funerals.

To me, that is totally hypocritical. If a family that has no connection to the Catholic religion chooses to have a funeral mass celebrated within the Church because of "tradition and appearance," it would be absurd for that same family to be offended by a mass card.

Please don't misunderstand me; people have a right to believe what they believe. I would never consider sending a mass card to an avowed atheist (or to a Methodist or a Baptist for that matter).

But a funeral mass is indeed for Catholics, and when a family arranges such a mass for the deceased, how can it then claim to be offended by the receipt of a mass card? Or is that family just "hedging its bets" as did my grandfather? But my grandfather at least admitted that's what he was doing.

As far as I know, you can't be "barely baptized." You either are baptized or you aren't. It is my understanding that confirmation is a reaffirmation of the baptismal rite. No one forces you to do it. Nor are you forced to marry within the Church, have the sacramental "last rites" or have a funeral mass. These can all be accomplished secularly.