I feel like it's just getting worse and worse. I'm totally breaking down and can't handle this anymore. I don't know where to go or what to do. It's all just adding up for me. I'm so tired of having to ask my mother in law for a ride if I need to go somewhere because there's no parking or because I can't get there easily with i mezzi. I'm so tired of my husband not understanding that everything in my life has become so complicated. I feel so alone and can't take it anymore, I'm going to explode! And my poor daughter...I feel horrible that she has such a depressed mom. Why can't things be easier? Why can't I do things by myself? I'm seriously breaking down here and every little thing is getting to me. I know there's nothing anyone on this board can do, but has anyone ever reached such a point and so soon? Is this normal?

Hi Cassi. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug....or at least hang out. I'm not in Italy yet (Sept 07) but I'm trying to prepare myself for some bouts of homesickness. I hope that knowing ahead of time that things will be different will help me get through any weird times. I know from being in Italy before, that some things are frustrating, but I want to look past these to experience the rich culture and good things about the way of life there. Being in Rome probably adds to your feelings, but there are wonderful places to just walk around there. Maybe you should take some time for yourself (or with your baby) and stroll around the Villa Borghese which seemed a peaceful break while we were there.

I know my ramblings can't do much to help you feel better...but I'll keep you in my thoughts! btw: I read through your blog last week and enjoyed your posts.

Hi Cassi,
I really feel for you. I know how you feel.
I think about a year and a half ago I was majorly freaking out.
I felt totally alone and my husband didn't understand or help.
My mother in law lived next door and I felt like she was taking over my role in the family.
It was good to have her help out but then it became too much.
I didn't really have any friends and the other americans that I befriended in Milan never stayed around for very long.
I guess I felt really dependent on everyone around me and I resented it.
I ended up having to check myself into a hospital in Milan for 17 days.
It helped me to get away from everyone and everything and too think.
I ended up leaving my husband and now I am on my own living in Milan.
It is not easy to do and i get no help from my husband.
I will have to probally stay here for god knows how long because of my kids. But i'm trying to take it one day at a time or I will drive myself crazy.
I have been going through a rough patch lately (although sinse I arrived here almost 4 years ago it has been a roller coaster ride) I rather struggle on my own than to live with my husband.
When I was really having it rough and before I went to hospital I came to this forum and everyone was really kind and helpfull.
It just helps to know your not alone in this world and that others have gone through the same kind of things.
All I can say now is try to hang in there!
www.anythingbutdull.blogspot.com

Also, take things one at a time. You are in a different country and need to learn how to move in a different environment. Do not try to do too much, to face too much. Set yourself a task a day, see what you can really do on your own and learn from each experience. Make it very clear that today's task if getting to XY place on your own. Your MIL may help with the child, instead of having her drive you around ask if she cn babysit for one afternoon while you try to make your way to a certain place on your own, discovering the tricks of the trasit system and where you can spot a parking space, or combining car and busses for the best result. Substitute the stroller with a carrier that you can hang from your shoulders (and later on you can use a "baby backpack") and take all the time required to each task. Do not try to cram too much: if today your mission is to get to the department store and buy something just make that the only task of your day: you will be late for, say, cooking dinner? Who cares! if your husband is hungry he will cook himself.

Hi Cassi,

Could you take a taxi occassionally to go places?. I know certain drivers can be a pain, but just once in a while so that your more independent. The taxi drivers tend to be better behaved these days.
I have a friend here who has a 1 year old and she doesn't drive, so she takes a taxi when her husband is working. If it's just in the city and during the day the prices aren't too bad.

Anyway, that's just an idea.

Have you made any friends in Rome yet? You have friends on here, but it's nice to go out for a coffee with friends too, or meet other mums.

I hope you feel better soon. Try to think positive too, it helps!

Hi Cassi,

We have chatted on some of the other posts and I am very sorry to hear that it hasn't gotten any easier up until now, but you really have a lot of changes with which to cope. I remember that on another post you were mentioning that you didn't know many other expat moms in Rome. Have you managed to get to the Ladybirds group on Wednesday mornings or the group at Il Nido on Via Marmorata (the American Women's Club also has a play group; it used to be on Wednesdays)? A support network of other moms going through the same experiences will help a lot and you will see you are not the only one facing these difficulties. Take care of yourself - your baby needs a happy mommy.

Yes, I have. I had a bout of "F*** this country and everything in it" but I've gotten through it. There was a time when I didn't want to talk to anyone or hang out with anyone for a while. I was just sick of having to work to be understood by EVERYONE. I couldn't joke around with ANYONE because I couldn't do that in Italian. I felt like I "lost" my sense of humor. If I couldn't be "me" then I didn't want to hang out with people, period. If that makes sense. That was pretty depressing. Maybe that's what you’re feeling that you can't "be yourself". But I can't know your situation with a kid and a husband. I also don't know how I got over it. Maybe it was like AliceTwain explained and I only expected to get certain things done. As I did them, then things were easier.

Hang in there at least you have ADSL!! I still can't get that!!!

Jeffo

If you were feeling like this in the US you would automatically consider Post-Natal depression as a possible cause... You have been through alot and your hormones etc. will still be all over the place - give yourself a break or even consider trying to find someone you can open up to face-to-face - I don't how PND is regarded in Italy but it is something to consider - it certainly won't help how you feel if there is a chance of it.

I only have a moment to write right now but just wanted to say yes I've definitely been there (though sans kid) and I understand completely how you feel. It got a lot better for me after a year but I'm in quite different circumstances from you as well (BF is open to moving elsewhere after a few years here and is not originally Italian).

Anyway - I'll write more later but please send me your email details as I would love to meet you for a coffee (or beer!) and a whinge/kvetch or whatever. I can travel to you as I live pretty close to Termini. Just let me know.

Cassi, I just saw this post, am rushing to work but wanted to add my words of encouragement to the others. This forum has seen many moments like the one you are living, as others have posted above. We have all received so much wonderful support. Please know that so many of us are sending our positive energy out to you, Cassi. Breathe - and please try to follow up some leads on getting together with other expats in Rome. I was totally isolated from other americans when I moved to Torino - now we have a happy little expat community and there is a lot of support to count on. Our wonderful new mom Gia-Gina is soon moving to Rome (I will be sad to see her leave Torino), and I know there are many others as well. In the meantime, keep reaching out here on Expats. We're here.

Dear Catherine, there are times when things do overwhelm all of us. Sometimes they pass, sometimes we work through them and sometimes we just plain need help. If you had broken a bone, you would go to a doctor, a cold that would not quit, a doctor. At some point, while you still can, consider speaking with a qualified health professional about this. They should be able to provide some immediate help and in the long term help you sort out the issues. Do it sooner as opposed to later.

I hope this helps

I just noticed that your email is in your profile so I'm emailing you.

Yes, absolutely. I don't even have a baby and have felt like that. Just hopeless and trapped by my own decision.
It may feel even worse because you expect understanding from someone and do not feel like you are getting it.
Get help, professional help, and get DH to go to some sessions with you so he will know this is a real situation in which he has a part to play.
Postpartum depression? Could surely be a part of it, and don't tell me Italy doesn't have her share of dramatic PPD cases. It is universal.
Get MIL to stay with the baby so you can see a therapist-- choose therapist with at least as much care as you choose other vital parts of your life! Get her to fill in once in a while just to get out on your own, too. Then find your own way using mezzi. You may feel less dependent that way?
Are you sleeping enough? Eating well? Forgiving yourself for some imperfections?
Overall, get help!

Yes, I felt the same but luckily it was before Lila was born. I'm not sure i could have coped with the two life changing experiences side by side. It will pass, honestly, but it takes time (about a year for me) until you begin to feel more stable.

For the first 6 months we lived with my in-laws and they dont speak a word of English and I couldn't speak Italian then. I used to hide from my mother in-law in our room! We basically said nothing to each other for a whole year!
Also I felt misunderstood by everyone else, in the UK I had lots of friends who understood my sense of humour, here people just thought I was a b*tch (sooo not true!). It took a long time for me to express myself properly in Italian. At that time I was very depressed, even went to see a shrink who told me that emigrating makes you regress back to childhood as you have to re-learn how to cope with everyday life.

Anyway at the end of the day I'm happy now. After 4 years I still miss some things but I feel accepted and at home here. If you can ride this through you'll come out of the other side a stronger person.

Aw....cyber hugs to you. Having a baby is stressful...getting married is stressful...moving to another country, well, you just need some time and an outlet. I love the suggestion of finding some mom groups, even if they are Italian speaking because at least that is an outlet.

You are a strong person having taken all of this on. Find a therapist and take things slowly. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Another thing I have learned over the years of my marriage: mothers-in-law have likely been through the same things with babies, THEIR mothers-in-law, their husbands not understanding, etc. They often have some wise words or at least some experiences abouthow they dealt with certain thigns. Even just a shoulder. You didn't mention your relationship with her aside from hating to have to ask for a ride, but really, she could totally be an ally in some things. It might be worth a shot. (Of course, if you have an ok relationship, not if you hate each other!)

Hang in there. I can't imagine how difficult but truly, all of us who grow, evolve and make choices everyday question those choices. Totally normal. This forces people to take a look at their lives--very healthy, not always easy.

HUGS.

Oh Cassie sweetheart! I can only agree with the previous posters here. Having a baby is difficult enough in itself, and having it in a new country... I can't even imagine.
Your post made me remember Autumn's Sick of Italy thread from - oh my gosh, it's from March 2005, that's almost two years ago! Her case wasn't identical with yours but the feelings she expressed were similar enough.

To read what someone else has been going through can sometimes be encouraging, just to know that you're not alone in having these feelings.

Just remember to breathe, and that this is only a phase. Kids grow up really fast (trust me, mine is 6½ now and it feels like just yesterday that he was a helpless little baby) and the older she gets, the easier life will be for you. At least once she's turned, say, 18. No, but seriously. For me it was such a huge relief just to be able to use an umbrella stroller and not a carriage stroller, not to mention how wonderful it was once he was big enough to walk on his own and I didn't have to bring a stroller at all. Oh, the freedom! It may seem distant now, but it's really only two or three years away, and those years go by so quickly. They really do.

So relax, don't be afraid to ask for help and know that you can always turn to us for help and comfort.

This, too, shall pass.

FInd a hobby - quick. Doesn't matter what it is - anything will do. A neighbor that goes to pottery class, knitting class, stretching, car mecanics, whatever - the important thing is that you can get there on your own (that means that MIL or any of the family doesn't have to drive you there)
Open your eyes at your local shop for any ads for an activity.
You need to meet your own people and do things where la familia non c'entra nlla - no offense to the family , they are probably great people but you need to find your little space.
At least thats what it sounds like to me.

Cassi, it's been a couple of days since your post - please check in and let us hear from you.....

I was wondering too how Cassi is doing. I noticed that she popped up on the turkey thread yesterday, maybe busy with Thanksgiving dinner and of course her little darling!

Hi there! Sorry I haven't posted. I've been busy with Thanksgiving preparations and my little one has gotten a cold, so I'm with her quite a bit.

Thanks so much for all of the encouragement! I honestly feel so much better thanks to all of the personal notes and suggestions that people have given.

I most likely am going to go see a counsellor. I remember that I did this when I lived here previously as well and it really helped me, so I think this would be a good decision.

Today I also am feeling better because I went to a playgroup and it just felt good to not feel so alone!

I spoke with the priest who married us as well, and though he can't totally understand my situation, he gave me some good advice. I think a big thing, which some of you also mentioned, is that I need something, be it small even, to occupy myself outside of the home and the family.

It's kind of funny though because I am going back to the States for a month for Christmas so I have a short time to implement all of what I've discovered. Ah well, hopefully that just means I'll be more prepared. I also feel so much better knowing that I will be able to take a break from it all.

Thanks again to everyone who showed so much compassion! I really felt wierd writing this thread but I'm glad now that I did.

You sounds much perkier, good for you

WOW,I JUST FOUND THIS FORUM AND SITE AND I CAN RELATE TO sooooooo many people...just hang in there, i've been doing it for quite some time..

would like to talk to other americans in the milan area..

Kristina

quote:

Originally posted by catherineofsiena4:
I feel like it's just getting worse and worse. I'm totally breaking down and can't handle this anymore. I don't know where to go or what to do. It's all just adding up for me. I'm so tired of having to ask my mother in law for a ride if I need to go somewhere because there's no parking or because I can't get there easily with i mezzi. I'm so tired of my husband not understanding that everything in my life has become so complicated. I feel so alone and can't take it anymore, I'm going to explode! And my poor daughter...I feel horrible that she has such a depressed mom. Why can't things be easier? Why can't I do things by myself? I'm seriously breaking down here and every little thing is getting to me. I know there's nothing anyone on this board can do, but has anyone ever reached such a point and so soon? Is this normal?