I thought I would start up this thread for people craving some humour. Please add some jokes and give us a laugh.

An old lady is sitting on the bus in Glasgow one day when 2 young Italian men got on and sat in front of her. They proceeded to talk in very loud voices which the old lady tried to ignore but curiosity got the better of her and she started to listen to their conversation. One Italian man says to the other "First Emma come, then I come, then our 2 asses come together, then I come again, then our 2 asses come again, then I come again, then we have to pee, then finally I come at the end". The old lady can't believe her ears and shouts to the men "Do you mind, in this country we do not go about shouting about our sex lives on buses, it's utterly disgusting!".

The two men look at each other puzzled and turn to the old lady. "Listen lady, I don't know what you talk about but I just telling my friend how to spell Mississipi"

Can't say I know any decent Italian jokes (more a shoot from the hip kind of clown) but I did find a funny little Flash-animation worth sharing... This is quintessential Italy.

http://www.lifeinitaly.com/flash/

-Danse

That flash is a riot. My Italian relations even laughed at it!

That was funny and so very very true!!

Here is another one for you.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified Katie told her Grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no my dear" replied Granny "Many years ago, realizing our advanced ages, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring". "It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong".

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued. "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along".

Here's one...

An elderly man was very ill, and lay in his bed fully expecting to die at any time. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cookies wafting up the stairs.

The smell was so overwhelming that he somehow managed to gather his remaining strength to lift himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with great effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, agony, and pain from the excursion, he leaned against the kitchen door frame for rest and gazed into the room. Were it not for his physical pain he would have thought himself already in heaven because there, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted as he began to imagine the taste of the wondrous cookies already in his mouth. The thought actually invigorated him, seemingly bringing him back to life. His old and aged hand slowly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife.

"Don't touch," she snapped. "They're for the funeral."

Some funny quotes:-

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself Lillian, you should have remained a virgin - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue 'No good in a bed but fine against a wall' - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint - Mark Twain

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy, if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury - Groucho Marx

Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat - Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it - WC Fields

We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through congress - Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...but everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out - Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere - Billy Crystal

The Cardiologists Diet - If it tastes good, spit it out.


Lady Astor - Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink...

Winston Churchill - Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.

.........

Lady Astor - Mr Churchill, you're drunk!

Winston Churchill - Yes and you Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

......

Winston Churchill - He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire

...

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Thank you. I needed that this morning.

Some more to cheer you up:-

Actual reading from patients hospital charts -

The patient refused autopsy

The patient has no previous history of suicides

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

On the second day the knee was better, on the third day it disappeared

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appeared to be depressed

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993

Discharge status - Alive but without my permission

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful

She is numb from her toes down

While in ER she was examined, x-rated and sent home

The skin was moist and dry

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches

Patient was alert and unresponsive

Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy

Examination of his genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

The lab tests indicated abnormal lover function

Skin: somewhat pale but present

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

------------------------------------------------

Genuine quotes heard on British TV and Radio -

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoravia from Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing"

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him"

Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator - "This is a really lovely horse. I once rode her mother"

US PGA Commentator - "One of that Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.."Oh my God, what have I just said"

Carenza Lewis about find food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said "You'd eat beaver if you could get it"

A female news anchor who, the day after if was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weather man and said "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night" Not only did he have to leave the set but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard.

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters - "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday"

Claire Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this"

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets"

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's coverage of the UK remarked "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts"

Ken Browne commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddy Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open - "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself".

Bravo Rags that's funny stuff.

Dunno if anyone has seen the infamous Chris Crocker "Leave Britney Alone!" video but here is a video from the Jimmy Kimmel show. I laughed so hard it brought me to tears.

May be a slow loader for low bandwidth but well worth the wait.

Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZAr9E8i3ng

-Danse

Grazie mille Marco, glad you enjoyed it. That was a great video, loved the dad!

Some more to make you laugh......


From a book called Disorder in the American Courts taken down word for word by Court Reporters:

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year

Attorney: What gear where you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

Attorney: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: 38 or 35, I can't remember which
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: 45 Years

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said " Where am I Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan

Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo

Attorney: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the Bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the 21 year old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, 21

Attorney: Where you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Could you repeat the question please?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh....

Attorney: She had 3 children, right?
Witness: yes
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None
Attorney: Were there any girls?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning persuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your Attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Attorney: All of your responses must be oral, ok, what school did you go to?
Witness: Oral

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8.30pm
Attorney: And was Mr Denton dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh?

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No
Attorney: How can you be so sure Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it's possible he could still have been alive and practicing law.

A lawyer, a politician, and a terrorist are sitting in a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean surrounded by hungry sharks and you can only save one. What do you do? Read a good book or make a sandwich?

-Danse

quote:

Originally posted by DanseMacabre:
A lawyer, a politician, and a terrorist are sitting in a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean surrounded by hungry sharks and you can only save one. What do you do? Read a good book or make a sandwich?

-Danse

I'd save the shark

-----------------------------------------------

Here are some genuine complaints from tenants to their local Council about problems with their flats:-

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father has hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.

The toilet is blocked and I cannot bathe my children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to come and look at my water. It's a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would someone please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we still can't get BBC2

Jokes about the Carabinieri are very popular in Italy - here's one I've translated for you...

Letter from a mother to her ‘Carabiniere’ son.

Dear son,
I’m writing these few lines so you know I have written. If you receive this then it means it has arrived. If you don’t receive it, let me know and I’ll send it again.

I’m writing slowly because I know you can’t read in a hurry.

Some time ago your father read in the paper that the majority of accidents happen within a radius of a kilometre from ones home. So we have decided to move a little farther away. The new house is wonderful.

There is a washing machine, but I’m not sure if it works. Just yesterday I put the washing in, pulled the water tap and the washing disappeared completely!

The weather here isn’t too bad. Last week it rained twice: the first time for three days and the second for four .

Oh, about the jacket that you asked me for, your Uncle Piero told me to send it to you with the buttons still on would be quite expensive (because of the weight of the buttons). So I took them off. If you want to sew them back on, I’ve put them in the inside pocket.

Your brother Gianni has been very silly with the car: he got out and locked the door leaving the keys inside. So he had to come into the house to get the second set of keys, and so we were able to get out of the car too.

If you see Margherita – say hello from me, but if you don’t see her don’t say anything.

Your loving Mother who loves you a lot.

P.S. I wanted to put put some money in this letter for you, but I’d already sealed the envelope.

Don't you just hate it when the carabinieri pull you over for a vehicle check? The couple from Germany was really upset when the officer said he'd impound their car. Grandparents and son in the back seat made five passengers.
"You're only allowed four in this car. It's an Audi Quattro."
"You're crazy. I want to talk to your supervisor."
"He's busy with those two people in the Fiat Uno."

During the seventies there was an old man on the platform in the tube station who was staring really hard at a young punk with a rainbow colored mohawk haircut.

"Hey, old man, ain't you ever done something wild in your life?"

"Yeah, I f**ked a parrot once. I thought you might be my son."

ROFL I love this thread! This is alot of fun and put's a real smile on my face.

-Danse

quote:

Originally posted by Joanna:
During the seventies there was an old man on the platform in the tube station who was staring really hard at a young punk with a rainbow colored mohawk haircut.

"Hey, old man, ain't you ever done something wild in your life?"

"Yeah, I f**ked a parrot once. I thought you might be my son."

This was a great joke, Joanna!

Joanna,

Thanks for a great joke!!!!

quote:

Originally posted by Gil:
Joanna,

Thanks for a great joke!!!!

Be honest, Gil. Was that the first time you've heard that?

You're welcome, Gil.

quote:

Originally posted by Bill 2:

quote:

Originally posted by Gil:
Joanna,

Thanks for a great joke!!!!

Be honest, Gil. Was that the first time you've heard that?

Bill, I never heard that joke. Also, never heard anyone admit they did a parrot - a sheep here and there, a turkey or two bu no parrots!

My sister just sent me this one:

ONLY AN ITALIAN MAN CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells,'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. - one button at a time.

.......No one moves.
.......He removes his shirt.
.....Muscles ripple across his chest.
......She gasps...
......and He says......





'Iron this, and get me something to eat....