Last one of the evening then I'm off to bed.

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the Parish Priest and asked "Father, my dog has died, could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church but there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature".

Muldoon said "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?".

Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic!"

Night Night.

Bill, I do admit hearing the dead dog joke before!

A hare is out in the veld and comes across a baboon lighting up a joint.
"Oh, come on, life is wonderful. You don't need that. Come bounce with me!"
The two of them go bouncing off together and come across a giraffe snorting a line. The hare says, "Oh, come on, life is wonderful. You don't need that. Come bounce with us!"
The three of them come across a lion getting ready to shoot up. The hare says, "Oh, come on, life is wonderful. You don't need that. Come bounce with us!"
The lion says, "Dammit, hare, everytime you do ecstasy, you've gotta break everyone's balls!"

Little ol' ladies are stopped on the interstate and the cop says, "You're going only twenty miles an hour and that's too slow." Little ol' lady driver says, "Oh, sorry, officer. I thought that sign there was the speed limit."
"No, it's the route number," says the cop. He looks at the passengers and they've all got these sick, terrified looks on their faces. "Are your friends here all right?" "Oh, they'll be fine. We just got off Route 180."

quote:

Originally posted by Joanna:
A hare is out in the veld and comes across a baboon lighting up a joint.
"Oh, come on, life is wonderful. You don't need that. Come bounce with me!"
The two of them go bouncing off together and come across a giraffe snorting a line. The hare says, "Oh, come on, life is wonderful. You don't need that. Come bounce with us!"
The three of them come across a lion getting ready to shoot up. The hare says, "Oh, come on, life is wonderful. You don't need that. Come bounce with us!"
The lion says, "Dammit, hare, everytime you do ecstasy, you've gotta break everyone's balls!"

Guess you gotta be a drugie to get this one.

I think we are just too old to get that one.

There are old drugies and young drugies.

'druggie' has two 'g's

The Bobbsey twins strike again.

“They're like druggies, but without drugs; they're drugged on their own (wit)” (paraphrase of Pauline Kael).

These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour ...

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: When do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Come naked.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Those are hilarious!! Thanks for a good laugh!

quote:

Originally posted by Joanna:
'druggie' has two 'g's

Oops- a spelling error. Good catch!

quote:

The Bobbsey twins strike again.

“They're like druggies, but without drugs; they're drugged on their own (wit)” (paraphrase of Pauline Kael

You seem a little tense- don't you have a little something to take for that?

Joanna, the Aussie ones are hilarious! Thanks. I've read them more than once and they just get funnier!

quote:

You seem a little tense- don't you have a little something to take for that?

Yep! Just did. The Australia jokes.

Thanks Joanna! The Aussie Tourism jokes had me laughing for a solid 10 minutes.

-Danse
(goin' buck-nekkid to the hippo races)

Yr welcome. And now I feel better having received the following from my goddaughter in London (I used to think it was an 'only in America' thing - that'll teach me!)

From the country that gave you Shakespeare, Winston Churchill and
> Coronation Street.....
>
>
> QUIZMANIA (ITV)
> Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
> Contestant: Doctor.
> Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
> Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.
>
> DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
> Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival
> every year?
> Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
> Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
> Contestant: Cartons?
>
> BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
> Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
> Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
> Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
> Contestant: Leicester .
>
> BBC NORFOLK
> Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
> hand and your elbow?
> Contestant: Arm.
> White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
> Contestant: Strong.
> White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
> Contestant: Louis.
> White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
> What A Wonderful World?
> Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
>
> LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
> Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
> Contestant: France .
> Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
> Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
> Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question.
> In which country
> is
> the Parthenon?
> Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
> Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
> Contestant: Paris .
>
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
> Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for
> 'cherrypickers' and
> 'cheesemongers'?
> Contestant: Homosexuals.
> Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
> with you.
>
> THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
> Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
> written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the
> Conservative Party?
> Contestant: The Conservative Party.
>
> BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
> DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from
> Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
>
> THE WEAKEST LINK
> Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
> Contestant: Jool carriageway?
>
> UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
> Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
> Contestant: Goosey?
>
> GWR FM ( Bristol )
> Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
> Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
>
> RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
> Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
> pensioners: Last Of The ...?
> Caller: Mohicans.
>
> QUIZMANIA
> Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
> Contestant: Grandfather.
> Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
> Contestant: Panda.
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
> Phil: What's 11 squared?
> Contestant: I don't know.
> Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
> Contestant: Is it five?
>
> RICHARD AND JUDY
> Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
> A: Forrest Gump.
>
> RICHARD AND JUDY
> Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
> Contestant: Er . . .
> Leslie: He makes bread . . .
> Contestant: Er . . .
> Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
> Contestant: Kipling Street ?
>
> MAGIC 52 ( NORTHEAST ENGLAND )
> Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
> Contestant: Erm . . .
> Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
> Contestant: 1965?
>
> SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
> Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
> Contestant: Six.
> Tufnell: Higher!
> Contestant: Five.
>
> FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
> Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
> and PIT.
> Team: Chedpit.
>
> LINCS FM PHONE-IN
> Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
> Contestant: Barcelona .
> Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
> Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
>
> RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
> Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
> Contestant: 23.
>
> NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM ) Jeff
> Owen: In which
> country is Mount Everest ?
> Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland , is it?
>
> THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT )
> Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes
> the letter 'e'.
> Contestant: Ghana .
> Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean .
> Contestant: New Zealand .
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
> Question: What is the world's largest continent?
> Contestant: The Pacific
>
> ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
> Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
> famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
> Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
>
> THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
> Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
> Contestant: Magna Carta.
>
> JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
> O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
> Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er
> ... three?
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY
> Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter:
> solid, liquid and
> what?
> Contestant: Jelly.
>
> RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
> Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek
> goddess of victory? Contestant (after long
> deliberation): Erm,
> Kellogg's?
>
> BLIND DATE (ITV)
> Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
> Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
>
> CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
> Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
> Caller: Japan .
> Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
> that, I can let you try again.
> Caller: Er ... Mexico ?
>
> DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
> Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
> Contestant: Enid Blyton
>
> PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
> Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
> Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY
> Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
> Contestant: Basketball.
>
> NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
> Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
> Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor ?
>
> DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
> Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
> Contestant: Holland ?
> Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
> Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
> Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
> Contestant: No.
>
> PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
> Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
> Contestant: Er . . .
> Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
> Contestant: Blimey?
> Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
> .
> Contestant: (Silence)
> Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
> Contestant: Walked?
>
> NATIONAL LOTTERY
> Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a)
> Irish Sea, b) English Channel , c) North Sea?
> Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now,
> Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea .
>
> THE VAULT
> Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
> sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
> Contestant: Nostalgia.
>
> LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
> Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
> Contestant: Jewish.
> Presenter: That's close enough.
>
> BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
> Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80
> tonnes?
> Contestant: Ummm . . .
> Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
> Contestant: Shark.
>
> STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
> Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
> character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
> Contestant: Jesus.

Just got this email.

quote:

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

You have a goddaughter?

Her mother is a Panamanian Catholic and the priest was pretty laid back. I'm very proud of her.

The priest doesn't look too laid back in that picture.

He seems very friendly.

I hope so. He's her husband and not even a Catholic nevermind a priest.