Its amazing that this still works.

It's because it has to keep being updated!

Valli - my husband has been posting these to his friends - this one has been posted on to a brother who is a Military Attache for the Chiefs of Staff NATO!!

Wonder if someone showed this to de Gaulle, right before France's withdrawal from NATO.

I would like to keep this thread going a little longer so here's my contribution:

There were three iron workers, an Italian, a German and a Frenchman, working on the top of a high-rise in Milano when the lunch whistle blew.

The Italian worker opened his lunch box and yelled, lasagna, if I get lasagna just one more time I'm going to jump off this building.

The German worker opened his lunch box and yelled, sausage, if I get sausage one more time I'm going to jump off this building too.

The Frenchman opened his lunch box and yelled, crepes, if I get crepes just one more time I'm going to jump off this building also.

The next day at lunch, the Italian worker opened his lunch box and again he found lasagna. He stood up and ran screaming off the edge of the building just as he had said.

The German worker opened his lunch box and again he found sausage. He stood up and ran screaming off the edge of the building just as he had said too.

The Frenchman opened his lunch box and again found crepes. He stood up and just as the Italian and German had done, he ran screaming off the end of the building.

A few days later at the funeral, the wives of the three workers got together to console one another.

The wife of the German worker said, I thought my husband liked sausage, if I had known, I would have given him something different.

The wife of the French worker said, if only I had known he was so tired of crepes, I would have packed him something different also.

The Italians wife looking quite puzzled said, I don't understand this at all, my husband packs his own lunch!

Bravo Monica that was hilarious. I'm a "pack yer own lunch" kind of guy and my experimental cooking could drive anyone to suicide.

I have a book recommendation for everyone who is a dog lover.

"HOW TO LIVE WITH A NEUROTIC DOG" -by Stephen Baker, author of "How to Live with a Neurotic Cat" ~ equally hilarious I'm sure.

This is the single funniest book I've ever read and I wholeheartedly recommend to all of you buying it (if it's still in print). I chuckled from cover to cover and you will too if you've ever owned a dog. I've excerpted the opening passages from Chapter 1 (skipped some):



Chapter 1: WHAT MAKES A DOG NEUROTIC?

We must first of all, try to understand the neurotic dog. Our understanding of him is the key to his happiness, if not our own.

There is a reason for everything a dog does. In his opinion, these reasons are valid whether we, the owners, think so or not. If for example, he is the first to reach the food on the dining room table, there is a reason for his getting there before anyone else: he's hungry.

A great many dogs are neurotic, especially in this country. Today, the canine population of the United States is about fifty million. Out of this, about fifty million can be classified as neurotic - a conservative estimate. It is common knowledge among psychiatrists that neurosis among dogs is on the rise...


...A dog's instinct, let alone common sense, tells him that feeding time is all day. However, in typically human fashion, dog owners cling to the notion that their pets should be on some kind of feeding schedule. Man insists on giving a dog only one or two meals a day instead of a hundred.

Dog's natural habitat is on top of a bed, preferably freshly made. His sense of self-preservation tells him this is where he belongs. Many owners, ignorant of the physical and emotional needs of their dog, keep interrupting their pet's daily twenty-four hour nap and insist that he rest on the floor, which, as even people know, is not nearly as soft as a bed.

-Danse

Okay, let's lower the tone.

It's the days of the old Raj. Two cavalry officers are talking in the bar.
"I see old Squidgley's up in front of a court martial", said one, "Got caught in the stables with a horse".
"Cripes" said the other, "Mare or stallion?"
"Mare, for God's sake", said the first, "Nothing queer about Squidgley!"

Alright, since the tone has lowered -

2 dogs are in the vets and the 1st dog says to the 2nd one -

"What are you in here for?"

He replies "You see that wee boy over there, well, he wouldn't stop poking me in the eyes and the ears with a stick so I bit him and I'm here to be put down". "What are you in here for?"

"Well", the 2nd dog replies "you see that big blonde over there, she came out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around her and she bent down to pick up her hairbrush and the towel dropped off her. I got so excited I jumped up on her back".

"So you're here to be put down as well then?" says the 1st dog.

"No"



"I'm here to get my nails clipped"

quote:

Originally posted by Stokies:
Okay, let's lower the tone.

It's the days of the old Raj. Two cavalry officers are talking in the bar.
"I see old Squidgley's up in front of a court martial", said one, "Got caught in the stables with a horse".
"Cripes" said the other, "Mare or stallion?"
"Mare, for God's sake", said the first, "Nothing queer about Squidgley!"

Just my humour tee hee

By the way, heard the one about the confused Irish groundworker, was given two shovels and told to take his pick.

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and he took his seat. As he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised that she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiling enchantingly and said, "Business, I'm going to the annual Nyphomaniac Convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nyphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "what's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality".

"Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers when in actually it is the men of Greek descent". "We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish".

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed "I'm sorry", she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name".

"Tonto," the man replied, "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy".

Like it!

quote:

"Tonto," the man replied, "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy".

That's a good one!

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities, off
the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on
10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.


US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

US NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU
CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.



BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*#k off!!!!.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEaT1t87_70

Hopefully, this link will work and you can see the above in its full glory!

chuckle....

A fifty-ish woman is at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with
delight.
Her husband watches her for a while, then asks, "Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, " I don't care, I just
came from having a mammogram and the doctor told me I have the breasts of
an 18-year old."

The husband says, "What did he say about your 56-year-old a*s?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

More from Bruno Bozzetto to get the New Year off to a good start !

http://www.infonegocio.com/xeron/bruno/yesno.html

I love that one!!!

This is best read 'out loud' to an audience... take special care to read EXACTLY what is written!

Tequila Christmas Cake
Once again this holiday, I have had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake so here goes: Please keep in your files as I am getting tired of
typing this up every year!

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is sstill OK. Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or somefing.

Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Mistmash - hic!

Thanks Carole! I can barely type for the tears of laughter!

My sister will love this!!!

Time to revive the thread to cheer us up!


QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disorientated?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a Broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a rascist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians would be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

12. What hair colour do they put on the drivers licences of bald men?

13. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

14. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning

15. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 a piece for those little bottle of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards

16. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

17. Ok... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags", the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

18. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one ENJOYS it?


-----------------------------------------------

Some old Chinese Proverbs:-


Virginity like bubble, one *****, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstiles sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.