From my niece:

An Italian Mother

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for
dinner... who lives with a female roommate Maria...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response
email from his Momma which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep wi th Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

Lesson: Never lie to your Momma... especially, if she's Italian

Very funny! Very clever!

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed over to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man gasped.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked "How does that feel?".

He replied:



"It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken"

"What's a 710?"

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She went on to say that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'Is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course there is, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is
>CLICK HERE<

I just remembered phone and calculator spelling before I clicked the link! Funny blonde joke! I'm getting mine coloured tomorrow - it goes blonder each time - will I understand this on Wednesday?!!

OK, here's a dumb blonde joke for you:

She goes into a big bank in NYC and asks if she can borrow $5,000 against her brand-new Rolls. The bankers are agog, but they check it out, and sure enough, the Rolls belongs to her. So they agree, but insist they keep the Rolls on their premises until the loan is repaid. Ok with her, so she takes her 5k and leaves. Two weeks later, she returns with the loan plus the $5.10 she owes in interest, and they return the car to her. They can't help themselves, so they ask: Excuse us, Ma'am, but why did you take only 5 grand when you could have borrowed against the full value of a very pricey car (chortle, chortle)? She says: I only needed 5k to go to Europe for 2 weeks, and anyway, where else could I park my car in full security in Manhattan for $5.10?

That's a smart blonde/dumb banker joke.

quote:

Originally posted by Bill 2:
That's a smart blonde/dumb banker joke.

yes it is!!!!!

Like it!

Kind of blonde I want my daughter to be!

Let's see if you know the answer to this one:-

Which female star wore the same coat in all of her movies?

I'll give you a few guesses then give you the answer, happy thinking!!

Lassie? (though I think the actor was actually male)

Well done Bill! You are the first person to get that one. Strangely enough, everyone that has been asked this has answered Audrey Hepburn!

Easy for me- I think on a dog's level.

To My Dear
Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 64 years
old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you
as a good
wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly
interpret
the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old
secretary at
the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall return home before midnight.

When the man
came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining
room
table:

To My Dear
Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 64
years
old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 64
years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at
The Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant
tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18
years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you
will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference: 18 goes into 64 a lot more times than 64 goes into 18.
Therefore, I
will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Love it! I've got one too:

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked
up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have
mercy! I can*t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us
in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked
at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You
didn't tell me you had a prescription."

quote:

Originally posted by Joanna:
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 64 a lot more times than 64 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

How pathetic are these two 18 year olds?

And speaking of pharmacists:

Two very elderly women were having a smoke outside their nursing home and it's pissing down rain. One says to the other, "How do you keep the damn thing lit?"
"Oh, no problem, I just put a condom on it."
Woman #1 goes to the pharmacy and asks for a condom.
"What size, ma'am?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just as long as it's big enough for a Camel."

Isn't latex combustible?

Old Folk - NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED!!!

Harold is 95 years old and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, aged 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

"What", she asks. "Sex" he replies.

Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!".

"I know" Harold says "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while".

"Well, I could oblige" says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was ok. She walked around the Senior Citizens Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?".

Old Harold smiled happily and replied
"Parkinson's".

Little old lady in the nursing home, a bit senile, goes speeding up and down the hallways in her electric wheel chair. An old guy holds his hand out to stop her saying, "License!!??", and she thrusts a gum wrapper in his hand. He nods and she speeds off. Another old guy steps in front of her and says, "Insurance?" and she shows him her kleenex pack and he nods. She speeds off. Then a guy steps out into the corridor with his manhood hanging out. "Oh, crap," she says, "not another breathalizer test!"

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Larry and I were both laughing our heads off! Sz

A husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function.
>
> He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple
> of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
> single red rose!
>
> The husband sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean
> and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
> spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
> cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
> mirror and notices a note on the table:
> Honey, Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
> Love you!
>
> He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
> morning newspaper.
>
> His son is also at the table, eating. The husband asks, Son . . . what
> happened last night?
>
> 'Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the
> coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into
> the door.'
>
> The husband asks, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I
> have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'
>
> His son replies, Oh, THAT! . . Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she
> tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, B.....! I'm
> married!!'
>
> Broken table--$200
> Hot breakfast--$5
> Red rose bud--$3
> Two aspirins--$.25
> Saying the right thing, at the right time . . .PRICELESS

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their
new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told
his
new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said
it
took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean
house
and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had
given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the
cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the
dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a girl from Leeds. He boasted
that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house
cleaned,
the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the
table
every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had
gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to
make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.