I went to my friend's house today to see his new baby boy.

His wife said "would you like to wind him?"

Thats a bit harsh ,I thought

so I gave him a dead leg instead

Totally don't get this! Sz

Would you like to wind him = (1) burp him; or (2) punch him in the stomach and knock the wind out of him.

A dead leg is an injury caused by a blow to a muscle, crushing it against a bone.

Thanks, Graeme. I guess it loses something in the translation! Had I known the terminology before reading it the first time, I might have got it! Sz

Voted best joke in Australia :

A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

(Have you noticed how so many of these jokes point up the possibility that men and women might not like each other much? Still funny though.)

quote:

Have you noticed how so many of these jokes point up the possibility that men and women might not like each other much?

Speak for yourself!
Signed-
29 years together and still head-over-heels in love

quote:

29 years

Beginner!!!

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have
forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how
a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation,
and said:

'I outlived the b*tches.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan

That's going to get some puzzled responses from non-rugby aficionados.

Mmm yes....never thought of that!.....

quote:

Originally posted by Valli:
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan

But from those who are.... !

'If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the lord I'm not sir
The kind of man that I would wed
Would be a rugby hooker...'

A reminder for all the rugby types out there..
Personally my sport is football [soccer], both watching and playing, but no singing of dirty songs in the bar afterwards.

quote:

Originally posted by suefischio:
'If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the lord I'm not sir
The kind of man that I would wed
Would be a rugby hooker...'

A reminder for all the rugby types out there..
Personally my sport is football [soccer], both watching and playing, but no singing of dirty songs in the bar afterwards.

But that's the bit that makes it fun - especially if you are watching! The silly games were always a good spectator sport too!

LIE DETECTOR!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie
detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2
hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the
library
to work on an extra credit project,'said Tommy. The robot then walked
around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his
chair. 'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and
watched a movie.' said Tommy. 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy
and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With
his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I am ashamed of you son,'
said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The
robot
then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked
him
out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and
said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with
Tommy. After all, he is your son!' With that the robot immediately
walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Any Glaswegians out there care to translate this one for the rest of us?:-

A wee Glesga wummin goes intae a Butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is staunin haunds ahint his back, wi his erse aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wummin checks oot the display case and asks:
'Is that yer Ayrshire Bacon?'
'Naw,' replies the butcher 'Its jist ma hauns ah'm heatin.'

Happy to translate!

A small Glasgwegian lady enters a butchershop where the butcher has just left the freezer and is standing with his hands behind his back with his backside facing an electric fire.

The little lady inspects the display case and asks "Is that your Ayrshire Bacon?"

"no" replies the butcher "It is only my hands that I am heating".

That's a good one but may be lost in translation! Or you may just be lost all together - if it helps when she says is that your Ayrshire Bacon - say it like this "Is that yer ersyer bakin" and youll have the Glaswegian accent to a tee.

Now there's a scene right out of Greyfriar's Bobby.

Got this from a Republican friend in Georgia:

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is
so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a
lung out of one person , put it in another, and have him looking for
work in four weeks.'
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so
advanced that we can take
half of a heart out of one person, put it in another,
and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are
way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in
the White House and now half the country is looking for work.'

Isn't that the truth!!!

--- Catholic Parrots:

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired. 'They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.'

Monica

quote:

Catholic Parrots

good one Monica!

Like it!