Monica, you are killing me! By the way, my I sent my partner your "Catholic Parrot" joke and he was in convulsions laughing.
Regarding fat David after his US trip: Why is it that I was down to 116 lbs. when I came back from Italy in Jan, and now I am back to 125 after 5 months (except last June when I left I was 140!). I ate whatever I felt like eating in Italy... is the snacking, the ingredients, the lack of walking here in the US? What makes me fat!? Well, only 11 more days to go and I am back on my "Italy diet"... whatever that is!

Good Parrot joke. I usually drop pounds while in Italy. I think it has to do with walking home from the restaurants which burns up more food than walking from the restaurant to the car and definitely more than walking from the dinner table to the recliner and/or desk.

In addition to the good ingredients, the portion sizes are less massive. It's been 3 years, but I recall huge plates back in the States, with enough food for 3 of me piled on. Why do they put so much on there?

I agree...I think it is a combination of huge portion sizes and less activity/walking. Portion sizes, in my opinion in the US, are obscene. But, I know many people who judge the quality of a restaurant by the quantity of food.

Monica

quote:

But, I know many people who judge the quality of a restaurant by the quantity of food.

Isn't that the truth!!!

Three 'standard' portions at a lakeside restaurant last week...
img213.imageshack.us/i...054hl4.jpg
Schiat

img55.imageshack.us/im...057ab4.jpg
Nodino di vitello

img411.imageshack.us/i...059wx1.jpg
Cotoletta alla Milanese

http://img355.imageshack.us/img355/9021/dscf0053je0.jpg
Taglitelle with asparagus and prawns

http://img355.imageshack.us/img355/7555/dscf0051hd0.jpg
Breast of duck with fresh vegetables...

and no need at all for a 'doggie bag'

Dishes like this with some easy excercise afterwards is the secret I'm sure. Remove that and you are in trouble!

When we'd go out to eat in the States, my wife always got a doggie bag, but not for the dog. We ate an entire additional meal the next day from the leftovers.

quote:

is the snacking, the ingredients, the lack of walking here in the US? What makes me fat!?

For me it's the snacking! Jenna I find exactly the same thing. I love Italian food - but I never find Italian cakes and snacks that I really like so I stick to meal times. I have been in the UK for last few months and have put on loads (just in time for the beach ). My personal weakness? Millionaire's shortbread

C in Bo - are you still there? I'm going back just a few days this weekend then end of June for a week. Looking forward to pie and chips!!

With me it's pints of Summer Lightening,Timothy Taylor's Landlord or Marston's Pedigree.....

My vice in the US was a pint of Ben and Jerry's every night... yes every night. Until I read that one portion (1/3 of a pint) is 40% of the daily recommended intake of fat (then I cut back to just 1/2 a pint a night ). Yikes.

Here... supermarket gellato sucks so we don't have any at home and I can control myself at the gellaterias by getting just 2 or 3 small cones a week (during my daily usual 2-3 hours of walking all over town with the kids). Quite a difference.

Still, I'm nowhere as skinny as the rest of the Trentini...

quote:

C in Bo - are you still there?

Just seen this! I've just got back and was hoping for a bit of decent weather! Enjoy your pie!

Off Topic, I know - no pies, but did have a brill Chinese and great weather!

Having said off topic - the weather here is the biggest joke at the moment!!

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

Think that works for old men? Good joke.

Nah, Gil. Old men would probably get shot. That's sexism for you.

�In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England,
and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every
living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard,
but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire
Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission
for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site,
even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission
on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited
workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'
�

�
(Or any other EU country you can think of for that matter!)

�



�

A man named Charlie is sitting on a barstool. In comes his friend Harry, who notices he has this big, black shiner. He says "Charlie -- what happened?"

"Oh, says Charlie, I got it in church." "You what?" "Yeah, I was in church, and we was singing this hymn, and I looked in front of me, and the dress of this woman kind of crept up, you know, so it was kind of stuck up in there. So when I pulled it out, I got this."

"Oh Charlie," Harry says, "you gotta promise me you'll never do that again." So next week, in comes Harry, and Charlie's got two shiners. "Charlie, what happened?"

"Well," says Charlie, "I did just like what you said. I was in church, and the same woman was standing in front of me during the hymn. And I looked at her dress, and it was hanging down straight and normal, and I knew she liked it tucked up in there, so …"

Powerful women's motto:

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says...

"Oh sh*t.... she's awake!!!"

Where did you find that cute little devil?

Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights
to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows,
with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of
the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then
buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty
times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called
'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

I really would have liked to have posted this on a certain thread elsewhere, but felt that as I really do wish to enjoy a few more years yet I'd better not!

Enjoy!


Frank and Karen's Equality!

Frank's consideration:

It's important for us men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you begin to notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me tell you how I handled the situation with my wife, Karen.

When I retired a few months ago, it became necessary for Karen to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not a practicable alternative. Besides, I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for the dishes to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can, by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that 'they won't clean themselves.' I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging, I think, is complaining. For example, she'll say that it's difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, boys... we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my stronger points.

And when doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

For instance, she had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me.

I know, I know..... I probably look like a saint by the way I support Karen.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However guys, even if you just start using a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife due to this article, I'll consider that by writing it, it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Good luck.


Signed,
Frank


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Frank died suddenly on July 26th of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip left showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby.

His wife Karen was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty. They accepted her defence that Frank, somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.